He's huffing, he's puffing...

Having staggered into the arena for Sunday’s Gladiators: The Legends Return, the formerly hirsuite howler, Wolf, has signed on to play an “Alex Ferguson-type role as team manager and mentor to the Gladiators”.

The man himself (real name Michael Van Wijk) says: “I was blown away by the buzz I felt competing in the Gladiators arena again. It was like I’d never been away. The audience was explosive and phenomenal and clearly wanted more of the Wolfman. Hearing them chant my name brought back some incredible memories and it all made me realise how much I just had to come back. John Anderson better be on top of his game – the Wolf will be watching his every move!”

As for who’s presenting, it looks like Kirsty Gallacher is out, as “Sky One will also be announcing a new female co-host shortly.”

Friday afternoon, and it was off to Shepperton to gesticulate with the oversized foam hand for Gladiators. And, good grief, it all felt pleasingly familiar. This is indeed the same wonderfully stupid, stupidly wonderful show we enjoyed in the 1990s. The line-up of Glads are suitably taut, and blessed with personality. I should think, though, poor old Atlas will rue the day a contestant dubbed him “Fat Lass”. That’s going to stick.

Thanks to Sky’s hospitality, we small group of journos were able to regularly retire to a green room to watch proceedings on a monitor (the way the studio is set up, no one member of the audience can see all the games all the time). Rather fantastically, this was situated next door to the Glads . As well as passing them in the corridor, there was mucho banging on walls to be heard and bad-mouthing of contestants. Better yet, John Anderson popped in between bouts, and proved terribly friendly. When a press officer brought Spartan through to meet his admirers (our female contingent, obviously) he stood sheepishly in his dressing gown. “I think they want you to take your clothes off”. Good lad that he is, he did.

As it happens, the episode we witnessed turned out to be a particularly twisty-turny affair. Watch out the for one with contestant “Super” Dan and the woman who bangs on about her sore finger. I’ll be there, near Hang Tough, not quite mastering the point up-up-down-down to Another One Bites the Dust.

Then, Saturday, and an appointment at LWT Towers for the recording of An Audience Without Jeremy Beadle courtesy of ITV1. A fantastic selection of people filed in for this, from Debbie Rix to Greg Dyke, Sir Alan Sugar to David Hamilton, Janet Ellis to Wilf Lunn. Shuffling into the studio, I found myself behind Mike Savage and son, and surprised the man by engaging in conversation about Eureka. For the recording, I was seated beside a walking stick-wielding Sylvester McCoy and his two boys. In the row ahead, the Diddy one himself and Tony Blackburn.

Chris Tarrant hosted, bringing us a melange of Beadle action which did well to acknowledge both The Deceivers andEureka, gave loads of screen time to Beadle’s Box of Tricks, recreated that Game For a Laugh game and just generally summed up all that was ace about the bearded one – with the right balance of affection and piss-taking. Highlight: Tarrant snipping off Henry Kelly’s neckwear, only for Sir Alan to growl: “You cut my tie, I’ll cut your fucking bollocks off”. “Ingrid’s already done that,” came the reply. Lowlight: Danny Baker’s over-running, sadly off-beam and just not all that funny quiz, “About Beadle”. The Bake was clearly gutted at having to junk a round based on Jeremy’s various racial disguises. Still he did get off a zinger at the start. Having established Paul Ross was in the audience, he cruelly quipped, “That means I couldn’t make it!”

Beadle couldn’t make it either, of course. He would have gone for Sir Alan’s tie, I bet. A great night, though, and two programmes I reckon are well worth tuning in for: Gladiators on Sky One and An Audience Without Jeremy Beadle, ITV1 – both in May.

STOP PRESS ITV1 have just confirmed Baker’s quiz is to be dropped from the final show. Paul Ross looks set to make the final cut, though …

This being a big Sky press launch, it was – of course – the business. Original Gladiator ref John Anderson (in his original ’90s white trousers) was there to gee-up the assembled journos (“Photographers – READY? Press – READY?”). Then the new Glads strode out onto a suitably themed catwalk, pyrotechnics a go-go. All struck mean poses (Atlas stealing the show with his “ring me” gesture as he left the stage). 

Of course, you want the full list. Our female warrors are: Battleaxe! Enigma! Ice! Inferno! Panther! Tempest! The men: Atlas! Destroyer! Oblivion! Predator! Spartan! Tornado! There’s no new Wolf, alas … unless you count Richard Woolfe. No, don’t do that.

And the events? Well same as the US show: Duel (correctly named – not Joust as they have it in America), Earthquake, Gauntlet, Hang Tough, Hit & Run, Powerball, Pyramid, The Wall and The Eliminator. 

Best of all, they issued us journos with big old foam hands. I’m officially excited.

First up was the “Grand Finale” of the new American Gladiators, a show which originally hit the mat back in the mid 1990s. Now hosted by Hulk “Awesome, brother!” Hogan and Laila “Good answer!” Ali, the comeback has proven such a success, it’s prompted Sky One to revitalise the British brand. As a fairweather fan of that version and with vague memories of catching the US series during ITV nighttimes, I was interested to get back in touch with the show.

What can I say? It’s stupidly entertaining. There isn’t enough variation in the games, but as a spectacle it’s always satisfying. Granted, the limited vocabulary of all concerned is mildly depressing, contenders and presenters cycling through limited variations of the same bits of trash-talk: “Bring it on”, “I’m going to bring it”, “I’ve got your back”, “Awesome”, “I’ve got game”, “I’m going for it”, “[insert name here]-mania!” and, bizarrely, “This is my house”. Plus, there’s the odd smattering of self-improv doctrine, culminating in one finalist explaining, “It’s an awesome visualisation and I’m going to make it come to fruition!” Oh, and lots of dedications to God or departed parents, and much guff about being a role model and inspiring the poor …

But that’s all part of the fun, right? American Gladiators is a big, silly, enthusiastic firework display. It’s got game, alright, and I’ll be there with my over-sized inflatable hand when season two pops up. Plus, their Wolf is much better than our one ever was.

Shameless in squeezing promotional spots into every corner of the show (replays sponsored by Subway and Toyota, contestants glugging power drinks with the label turned to camera), the final came to a slight pause for the commentator to note the stars of the new Knight Rider were in the audience. Their show followed next …

Dunno why I decided to catch this other revival, as I was hardly a devotee of the ’80s original. And yet, when that theme tune kicked in, I grinned … until it morphed into a nasty, aimless spot of guitar wankery. This is Glen A Larson to the next level. Our new Rider (named Mike Traceur) is introduced having enjoyed a ménage à trois with a couple of “hotties”, he’s got a geeky vaguely ethnic sidekick, and is later matched with a fairly straight re-imagining of Bonnie/April. The FBI get a look in courtesy of a nubile lesbian agent – also introduced awakening from a one-night stand – and Devon’s counterpart has the most ridiculous hair of the year.

Worse still, the new KITT – a Ford Mustang Shelby GT 500KR, apparently – is just plain ugly. It’s a big fat car, the camera all too often perving over its cobra badge, and it sports the rubbish attribute of being able to change shape! Perhaps it could opt for the form of a Pontiac Firebird Trans Am?

There’s a weird subtext running through this pilot about parental relationships, with all the young cast seemingly estranged from their moms and pops. Not sure what it all meant, but it afforded David Hasselhoff a cameo late in the day, as Mike’s missing-in-action dad. It was nice to see him.

Throughout, you can feel the programme-makers straining to think of how they can develop upon elements from the original series. This really made me chuckle at the end as, the gang all assembled, Mike got ready to reverse KITT onto the road from the inners of the Knight Industry truck … except that as he emerges, it’s revealed said vehicle is now a big old plane. Yeah! Bigger and better!

Bet they drop that innovation quick-smart when the inevitable series follows.