A Bucket o’ French and Saunders

Friday, September 7, 2007 by

“Hello? Can I come in?”


“Can I come in?”

“What for?”

“I need to come in. I have to walk through this door in order to, well, begin.”

“Begin what?”

“Begin the review. I can’t do it out here, I have to come in.”

“Oh very well.”

“Thank you. And there’s no need for that.”


“That look on your face. You’re not fooling anyone.”

“Oh ha ha bloody ha. You know very well nobody can see the look on my face…”

“Oh yes?”

“… because nobody can see my face! That’s the whole point of this, isn’t it? To set up a joke that, y’know, I can knock down and leave you looking stupid.”

“In which case why didn’t you want me to come in?”

“Oh, you know.”

“I don’t think I do!”

“To make it look like things weren’t, y’know, going to plan.”

“Come again?”

“To keep things in character. Y’know, with the programme.”

“What programme?”

“The programme you came here to review!”

“I don’t think I can be bothered now. I haven’t got any ideas.”

“Neither have I.”

“Maybe Joanna can do the opening.”

“What, instead of us?”

“Yes, and we can make it look like she doesn’t know what she’s doing either.”

“People will love that.”

“And then we can go on to the proper review.”

“What, just like that?”

“It’s what people want.”

“No no no, you can’t give them that, that’s what they’ve been seeing for years.”


“So it’s got to be different! It’s gotta have … some zazz, some zip, some attitude!”


“Something that can make it unique!”

“I’ve no ideas.”

“Neither have I.”

“Do you want me to go out and come in again?”

“That might help.”

“Although don’t you think people might, well … they might not want to see something different.”

“I haven’t a clue what you mean.”

“Well, they might want the real thing. No gimmicks, no tricks, no silliness …”

“No silliness?! No silliness?! For heaven’s sake, that’s what it’s all about nowadays! None of your old sensibleness, no way, no siree. This review can’t just be, well, words.”

“Oh no?”

“Oh no!”

“I rather think that’s what people want.”

“Oh no no no no no no no no no. No!”

“What then?”

“They want, well, words – with attitude!”

“Attitude words?”

“Yes! Words with a difference … jumbled up … bits of words … all out of order!”

“But that won’t make any sense.”

“Oh dear, you’re right.”

“It’ll look good though.”

“And sound quite silly.”

“Will it have zazz?”

“You must always remember to bring the zazz.”



“It’s rubbish, isn’t it?”

“But pretend rubbish.”

“What, so it’s not actually rubbish?”

“No, so it’s okay.”

“Who says?

“It doesn’t matter! Honestly, just have a bit of faith will you?! People have been putting up with this stuff for years, they’re not going to lose faith in us just because they don’t get the fact it’s not pretending to be actually rubbish, just actually pretending to be rubbish.”

“Maybe if we do it quickly enough …”

“And cut …”

“… from one …”

“… thing …”

“… to …”

“… another …”

“… really really really really really really fast …”

“… out of context …”

“… attitude …”

“… zazz …”

“… what’s the …”

“… I think …”

“… Madonna …”

“… ketchup …”

“… bugger …”

“… tweaking …”

“… latex …”

“… pastiche …”

“… 20 years …”

“… cake …”

“… and then we don’t even have to have proper …”

“… just move on to something else!”

“That’s it!”


“Do you think anyone noticed?”


“Do you think anyone cared?”

“We can cover that up with music.”

“What, slap a song over it?”

“Too right.”

“Shall I go out and come in again?”

“Could you do a bit of swearing this time?”

“Maybe I could start to come in, then go out and come in somewhere else.”

“Now that’s funny.”

“That really is funny.”

“Ah me. The BBC, eh?”

“Good old funny old big stupid old great big BBC.”

“They certainly know how to make a little go a very long way.”

“I think that’s it.”

“I rather think that is it.”

“Job done.”

“Blimey. It was touch and go there!”

“It’s all in the …”

“… editing?”


“What about Madonna?”

“I think we mentioned her.”

“And what about an ending?

“Oh, Joanna can do that.”


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