An A-Z of the Decade’s Television

By Ian Jones

First published December 2009

There’s just time to squeeze in one last list-based feature before the noughties bow out. So by way of a wholly arbitrary and subjective salute to what we’re leaving behind, here’s an alphabetical survey of moments profoundly significant and downright silly from the last 10 years.

A is for…
AM 180
Plinky-plonky quiet-then-loud noodling by California band Grandaddy, popularised over here as theme tune to Charlie Brooker’s Screenwipe and various permutations thereof (BBC4, 2006-date).

“ARE YOU A SHIT?”
Catchphrase that wasn’t. Totality of Harry Enfield’s “taking off” of Jeremy Paxman on short-lived, listen-to-all-the-dirty-words uber-flop Harry Enfield’s Brand Spanking New Show (Sky One, 2000).

“AS THEY SAY, WE’LL SEE YOU AROUND”
Casually contrived parting salutation essayed by Richard Madeley at the end of the final editions of the Richard and Judy-helmed This Morning (ITV, 2001), Richard and Judy (Channel 4, 2008) and, er, Richard and Judy (Watch, 2009).

B is for…
“BACK AGAIN TO OUR DELICIOUS COOLING PICTURES IN TRAFALGAR SQUARE”
Typically fanciful instruction trilled by the becalming Richard Dimbleby; one of many such agreeable observations to pepper the BBC’s Election 64 results coverage, the pick of News 24’s archive screenings.

BARNACLE BILL
Traditional theme tune for Blue Peter, summarily ditched for soundalike Sailor’s Hornpipe in autumn 2008, only to be re-emerge as part of ungainly Hornpipe/Barnacle mash-up a few weeks later, suggesting that the production team didn’t know their stern from their aft.

“BEAR IN MIND I’VE GIVEN YOU A LOT OF MACHINES”
Sir Jim invokes hospital equipment in lieu of a knuckle sandwich (When Louis Met Jimmy, BBC2, 2000).

“BEER AND KEY-BABS?”
Curious mangling of everyday linguistics spluttered by Noel Edmonds during an edition of Deal Or No Deal (Channel 4, 2006-date) hailing from the show’s pre-fanatical/walk-of-wealth/crazy-chair (i.e. good) phase.

“BETRAYED!”
Repeated ejaculation of dismay from endearingly stoical Hugh Edgar, in character as the butler in reality series The Edwardian Country House, upon learning two of his staff had been discovered enjoying conjugal relations (Channel 4, 2002).

BOB MARTIN
Michael Barrymore-helmed sitcom featuring our bendy-legged hero playing “shittier version of himself”; now buried in the same vault as those episodes of Have I Got News For You where Paul Merton calls Princess Diana “an overblown tart” (ITV, 2000-1).

BUILDING 7
Office block near the twin towers of the World Trade Centre erroneously announced by BBC News 24 as having collapsed 20 minutes before it actually fell, thereby “revealing” extent of Phillip Hayton’s participation in worldwide 9/11 “conspiracy”.

BURGUNDY
The colour of tie worn by Peter Sissons while announcing the death of the Queen Mother on BBC1 in 2002; object of seditious insinuation by certain newspapers, the ensuing clamour utterly overshadowing Sissons’s real crime, i.e. failing to construct a coherent bulletin after 101 years notice: “This is BBC Television News. Buckingham Palace has just announced the…the death of the Queen Mother. In a statement the palace said the Queen Mother has died. BBC Television is broadcasting this special programme reporting the…the Queen Mother’s death.”

C is for…
CHINA DOG
Ornament used to kill Dirty Den a second time (EastEnders, BBC1, 2005), an episode notable for boasting similarly brutal treatment meted out to the English language: “You’re my brother? I thought you was a two-faced ponce!” “Leave tonight as a myth, instead of what you really are, an empty husk of a man!” “You’ve just lost the last person to look you in the eye and tell you what’s what!” “It’s better to die standing up than live kneeling down!”

“CHUTNEY! LET’S DO IT! LET’S GET ON WITH IT!”
Condiment-infused battle cry of Apprentice banshee Saira Khan (BBC1, 2006-date).

CULTURAL ELITES
The people responsible for axing Brookside, according to Jimmy Corkhill during an interminable monologue during the soap’s risible final episode (Channel 4, 2003).

D is for…
DOING A REVIEW OF THE DAY’S PAPERS AT 7PM
Logic-pissing item on Live With… Chris Moyles (Five, 2002).

DURING THE ADVERTS
“We all have to go sometimes,” quoth the late Lord Sir Bob Monkhouse. “Most of us go…”

E is for…
EEE-RRR-EHHH-RRR-AAHHH
Noise used by Graham Norton in Any Dream Will Do (BBC1, 2007) as a burlesque full stop, to wit: “The suspense is killing me, eee-rrr-ehhh-rrrr-aahhh…Joseph is a story of a man who is adored by everyone, a bit like celebrity judge Doctor Who’s John Barrowman, eee-rrr-ehhh-rrrr-aahhh.”

EVERY BREATH YOU TAKE
Song whose lyrics were recited by pub landlord Raymond Henderson as part of the bemusing trailer for the first episode of River City (BBC Scotland, 2002-date).

EXECUTIVE PRODUCER ANDI PETERS
Bonechilling caption that adorned the credit sequences of such shows as Shipwrecked (Channel 4, 2000-date), As If (Channel 4, 2001-4) and one of the many failed “all-new” versions of Top Of The Pops.

F is for…
FORSYTH’S AUTOBIOGRAPHY, A PRISTINE COPY OF BRUCE
Unlikely gift proffered as introductory icebreaker by plucky castaway upon joining fellow desert islanders in Eden (Channel 4, 2002).

G is for…
GENERAL ELECTION, THE RESULT OF THE 1992
Topic for set-piece interview on last ever Breakfast with Frost, a whole 13 years after it happened (BBC1, 2005).

GIANT SWING, A
Unprepossessing piece of apparatus comprising one of the “tough” challenges on Dog Eat Dog (BBC1, 2001-2).

“GOOD LUCK; I THINK YOU ARE *GOING* TO NEED IT”
Cumbersome drawl that passed as a catchphrase when awkwardly muttered by wooden former cop Bob Taylor on doomed schedule-shunted Saturday night reality whodunnit The Murder Game (BBC1, 2003).

GORDILLO, JOHN
Bonnie Langford-baiting, Huw Edwards-spying, fax machine tower-cascading, Cosmos Transmutazoid-jawing, millinery-popularising, Welsh sofa-investigating host of wonderful The RDA (BBC Choice, 2000-1).

GRANDSTAND, THE LAST EVER
Live from Glasgow’s Kelvin Hall, introduced by Hazel Irvine; “we move into a new era next weekend!” (BBC1, 2007).

H is for…
“HE’S BEEN THROUGH THE SHIT/NOW HE’S BACK OUT OF IT”
Over-optimistic promise voiced during the signature tune for Chris Evans’s OFI Sunday, as composed by the man himself (ITV, 2005).

“HE HAS ENORMOUS EARS”
Reason cited by one contestant for not sharing some prize money with a fellow competitor in Without Prejudice (Channel 4, 2003).

I is for…
“IF THE BBC’S DOING ITS JOB PROPERLY, IT SHOULD SHOW THIS FILM”
A sulky Coldplay bite the hand during Live 8 (BBC1, 2005).

IF THEY COULD SEE US NOW
Christmas episode of Only Fools and Horses from 2001; the most-watched and least-fulfilling programme of the decade.

“I HAVE TO DEDICATE THIS JOKE TONIGHT TO OUR EXECUTIVE PRODUCER, TIPPED BY SOME TO GET A CAR PARKING SPACE IN MICHAEL GRADE’S BIRTHDAY HONOURS LIST”
Triumphant return of the red-braced cigar-chomping executive to the punchlines of primetime comedy (The Two Ronnies Sketchbook, BBC1, 2005).

“I’M NOT FAT, I’M PREGNANT!”
Davina McCall’s bellowed reassurance to any anxious viewers of Reborn in the USA (ITV, 2003).

IP
What characters tried to “trace-route” in Attachments (BBC2, 2000-2).

“IT WAS A MAAAAAAD YEAR!”
Britt Ekland loves 1971 (BBC2, 2001).

J is for…
JOE MCCREADY
Chipper miscreant and camera-hogging student in back-to-the-50s learnathon That’ll Teach ‘Em (Channel 4, 2003), tongue-lashed for smashing a china cup, and ultimately expelled. “I feel like I’ve been picked on by certain members of staff, and that won’t make me learn anything, that’ll just make me feel bitter towards them!”

JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE ROUTINE, A
Eye-catching curriculum staple devised by Rule The School’s pint-sized staff (BBC1, 2003).

K is for…
KILROY-SILK, ROBERT
Turned up on ITV in 2001 as host of Shafted, challenging contestants to “share” or “to shaft”. Show was axed after four episodes. Turned up in the Daily Express in 2004 announcing “we owe Arabs nothing” and branding the titular persons “suicide bombers, limb-amputators [and] women repressors”. Kilroy talk show was axed. Turned up on I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here in 2008. Was the first contestant to be voted out by the public.

L is for…
“LET’S RELEASE THOSE QUIZMASTERS!”
Brucie’s regular holler in Didn’t They Do Well (BBC1, 2003).

LYNAM, DESMOND
Sadly, now in dictionary of phraseology as example of How The Mighty Have Fallen. Notched up triple whammy of high-profile duds (The Premiership, Countdown and (worse of all) Sport Mastermind) sequentially shedding arena-sized helpings of dignity.

M is for…
MICHAEL GRADE AND A COPY OF RADIO TIMES
Mutually compatible supporting characters in otherwise inconsequential episode of Jonathan Creek (BBC1, 2003).

N is for…
NEON BOTTLE, FLOATING
Iconic motif of increasingly ghettoised BBC arts strand, revealed to be lost somewhere in editor Anthony Wall’s office during the documentary Arena at 30 (BBC2, 2005).

NEWSPAPER STORIES WITH A RED BORDER DRAWN ROUND THEM
Anachronistic favourite of slothful BBC1 Sunday morning topical magazines Breakfast With Frost and Sunday AM/The Andrew Marr Show.

“NO PROCEDURE ANYMORE – IT’S A FUCKING DISGRACE!”
Line of dialogue less than five minutes into episode one of Torchwood (BBC3/BBC2/BBC1, 2006-9).

“NO PUPPETS, DANCING GIRLS OR WHOOPING CREW MEMBERS”
Fib uttered by host Mark Durden-Smith during first edition of wretched Channel 4 breakfast show RI:SE (2002-3).

NOVELTY PAIR OF SLIPPERS, A
Meaningless gift presented to Terry Gilliam by the titular presenters of Today with Des and Mel (ITV, 2002-6).

O is for…
ONE HUNDRED CHEFS, POINTLESS ARRIVAL OF
Finale to first episode of Slap Bang, Ant and Dec’s doomed Evans-esque Saturday night debut (ITV, 2001).

OLD-LOOKING CARRIAGES ON SUPPOSEDLY 21st CENTURY TRAINS
Peculiar feature of Jekyll (BBC1, 2007), not seen on primetime since Two Ronnies sketches.

P is for…
PEOPLE VERSUS, THE
Laborious and desperately convoluted not-at-all-like-Who-Wants-To-Be-A-Millionaire-oh-no multi-peopled-quizzery, hosted in pedestrian fashion by Kirsty Young, then in brusque brassy manner by Kaye Adams in daytime relaunch (ITV, 2000-2).

POPE JOHN PAUL II
Unexpected cameo, by virtue of announcement of death, in BBC4’s live remake of The Quatermass Experiment (2005).

POWER OF NIGHTMARES, THE
Stirring Adam Curtis-helmed docuclippage on why the world is going (and subsequently has gone) to hell in an archive-hued handcart (BBC2, 2004).

PRETEND NEWS ON NEWS 24, A BBC PRESENTER READING
Default exposition-hastening ingredient in Beeb’s “what if?” drama-documentaries (Smallpox 2002: Silent Weapon; The Day Britain Stopped); plus handy context-setting page filler in Doctor Who (BBC1, 2005-date).

“PRISSY, FECKLESS, OFF-THE-CHARTS GREED-FILLED WHOREHOUSES”
Ambivalent description of US TV networks in Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip (More4, 2007).

PULPED
What happened to the autobiography by, and the concept of, Alan Partridge.

Q is for…
QUEEN’S GOLDEN JUBILEE
Gargantuan telly-feast anchored by David Dimbleby in a pod high above The Mall (“Look at that crowd down there, they can’t see a thing!”) and featuring Matt Baker (“It is raining here in Birmingham – but the Queen’s been reigning for 50 years!”) Huw Edwards (“A sense of thanksgiving – of giving thanks”) Alan Titchmarsh (“We love it. You don’t have to be hugely right-wing”) Shirley Bassey (“It’s certainly not going to come round again; 50 years is a long time) and Sir Cliff (“I bashed into Paul when we were crossing one of the corridors”) (BBC1, 2002).

QUIZ, 24-HOUR
Shaun Williamson holds members of the public captive inside a pod round the clock and tickles their fancies with mild brainteasers; rest of the nation given chance to “catch up” with progress every teatime; combination of baked beans + toast proves more popular than Barry off EastEnders + sweat (ITV, 2004).

R is for…
RANCID WATER
Primary substance found within the Blue Peter time capsules (BBC1, 2000).

S is for…
SATELLITE TRACKER
Unassuming non-human replacement for Wincey Willis in the relaunched Treasure Hunt (BBC2, 2002-3).

SAVILE SWITCHING OFF THE STUDIO LIGHTS, SIR JIMMY
Closing shot from the last regular edition of Top of the Pops (BBC2, 2006).

SIMPLY THE BEST
E-list celebrities (exhibit A: Stuart Miles) run up, through and around oversized obstacles in an arena in rain-lashed Jersey while Kirsty Gallacher and Phil Tufnell look on, in the most desperate light entertainment offering of this, or any decade (ITV,  2004).

SPELLING COMPETITION, A
The best ITV could come up with by way of an alternative to Dick and Dom in Da Bungalow (Ministry of Mayhem, ITV, 2004-6).

SOMEONE PISSING THEMSELVES
Sight deemed worth televising and passing off as the finale of an episode of Jam (Channel 4, 2000).

SOMEONE STANDING ON A LOG IN THE SEA
Sight deemed worth televising and passing off as primetime entertainment by the makers of Survivor (ITV, 2001-2).

T is for…
TEN O’CLOCK NEWS
Unforeseen battleground of the decade, hostilities being opened by Greg Dyke spinning the schedule wheel in 2000, in the process pitching the final episode of One Foot In The Grave against Judith Keppel hitting the jackpot in Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.

TERRY AND GABY SHOW, THE
Unsuccessful attempt to pair the nation’s most and least horizontal presenters (Five, 2003-4).

THATCHER, MARGARET
Much depicted on the small screen, including Patricia Hodge (The Falklands Play, BBC4, 2002), Louise Gold (The Alan Clark Diaries, BBC4, 2004), Anna Massey (Pinochet in Suburbia, BBC2, 2006), Andrea Riseborough (The Long Walk to Finchley, BBC4, 2008) and Lindsay Duncan (Margaret, BBC2, 2009).

“TOMORROW”
Thunderously anti-climatic last word spoken on The West Wing (More4, 2007).

U is for…
“US A JOKE WE KNOW, TELL”
Barbed remark voiced by Peter Kay – as Brian Potter – in Phoenix Nights (Channel 4, 2001-2), now wholly and readily applicable to Kay’s own career.

V is for…
“VERBAL RESPONSE, I”LL GIVE YOU 10 DOLLARS FOR”
Most desperate admonition of passers-by from Larry David in Curb Your Enthusiasm (BBC4, More 4, 2000-date).

W is for…
WANKER GESTURE, THE
What Richard Park made behind Patrick Kielty’s head in Comic Relief Does Fame Academy (BBC1, 2005).

WHAT’S THE PROBLEM? WITH ANNE ROBINSON
Atrocious weekly news/gossip/satire revue hailing from a period when the Beeb thought the eponymous Droid was their biggest asset. Co-hosted by a discomfited Marcus Brigstocke (BBC1, 2005).

WIN LOSE OR DRAW LATE
Ill-advised “after hours” version of previously charming daytime parlour romp, replete with swearing and drinking (ITV, 2004).

WYATT, WILL
Erstwhile BBC nabob who opened the decade doing a cameo in the rotten Operation Good Guys (BBC2, 2000) and trying to prevent Greg Dyke joining the Beeb, then went on to write about 35-year career at Auntie in fantastic memoir The Fun Factory.

X is for…
Robbie Williams only agreeing to turn up at the 2005 British Comedy Awards so long as he could present the People’s Choice gong to Ant and Dec, even though more people voted for Catherine Tate.

Y is for…
“YETI, YOUR CARBON FUCKING FOOTPRINT MUST BE THE SIZE OF A”
Zeitgeist box-ticker in This Life +10 (BBC2, 2007).

YOU’LL NEVER DO THAT WITH A CARCASS ON YOUR HAND
Self-explanatory “game” from imperial era Dick and Dom in Da Bungalow (i.e. before they started having celebrity guests every week).

Z is for…
ZZZZZ
Collective nationwide response to Phil Redmond mounting the soapbox again, this time in the guise of Tucker Jenkins during the final episode of Grange Hill (BBC1, 2008): “In my day, this place was about people, now it’s about numbers… If it hadn’t been for this place, I’d have been written off… Grange Hill was for everyone… It makes me so angry, if kids like you can’t go here, where can they go?”